Ding Dong the Deng is Dung the Spring Has Sprung the Dawn is Come. Tweens everywhere will be devastated to learn that America’s Sweethearts Wendi Deng and Rupert Murdoch have ended their 13-year roleplaying scenario. For those of you wondering who Wendi Deng is, you will not find answers here. We simply do not have the time, the patience, or the stock options. This marriage was much like the marriage between Harvey Weinstein to Georgina Chapman, J. Howard Marshall to Anna Nicole Smith, and Princess Leia to Jaba the Hut in that it is disgusting. Some people love money so much that they will allow actual monsters to penetrate them in the hopes of procreating.
We however, do not judge, because we are constantly in relationships with physically disgusting yet admirably powerful people. Here’s a partial list of our former disgusting lovers.
James Gandolfini (bad in bed, but in a good way)
A machine that played a recording of James Gandolfini inhaling and exhaling
Dick Cheney (pre-pre-Iraq War)
Val Kilmer (circa now)
The fat guy from Lost (he died before we learned his name)
Penn Jillette (wish he would make himself disappear)
Paul Giamatti (pre-Sideways….but with us he was always sideways!)
Rush Limbaugh (we wasted 3 years of our lives on that slore)
Louie Anderson (he tricked us)
A river rock we believed to be Marlon Brando
John Travolta (HithisisJohnTravoltaIdonthavemuchtimebutpleaseIfoundawaybackonlineandIneedtosuckadickbeforeKellycomeshomewithreplacementbabyandohnoEllaBluthisisnotwhatyouthinkitis…
Attn: Readers. We have just been hacked by notorious spa-enthusiast John Travolta. We are working on fixing this ongoing security breach.
Kevin “2-seat” Smith
Sean Penn (didsomeonesaypenisthisisJohnIdonthavealotoftimebutpleasesomeonemeetmeinthechangingroomofFilenesBasementalsograbthatcaftanneartheexitIwanttotryitonbuttheresalimitof5itemsandIalreadyhave5caftansItriedondontmakethiscomplicatedmustbediseasefreeornotthechoiceisyours)
Attn: ALL READERS. We apologize for the ongoing cyber-attacks from Mr. Travolta. We have alerted our legal team and the wranglers from Sea Org will arrive shortly to, hold on, someone is at the door. Wait, Sea Org has come here instead…readers we are worried about where they might take us, pleeeeeejadjlkas l dsjjdj k